Every day, millions of people use public transport to get to around. Every one of these people has their own destination, their own journey and their own story to share. This is but one of those stories.
He checked his watch again. The second hand ticked slowly, eventually returning to its starting point. The bus was now three minutes late. He sat back against the bench, watching a pair of young boys rock-off to see whose turn it was to ride the scooter to school. His eyes closed as his head bowed. He would have appeared asleep to those around him had they not been so frantic trying to reorganise their fast-paced lives due to this minor delay.
The screeching of the bus’ brakes as it pulled up to the stop disturbed him from his trance-like state. He stood slowly, waiting for the other passengers to board the bus. It was a free service, designed to keep traffic to a minimum and provide a direct line to the major rail hub. A four minute delay would be a travesty to the business people. For him, it meant only four extra minutes to watch the young children playing in the park, cool green grass underfoot, parents’ loving gaze upon them.
He had chosen to return to his quaint life in his hometown because it was far from the hustle and bustle of city life. This town was peaceful, tranquil. He felt it calmed his soul. Usually, if he needed to go somewhere, he would walk. If it was outside of walking distance, which for him was very uncommon, he would call home and ask his mother or father to take him.
He didn’t like to drive, anywhere. Driving was too isolated, too confined. It reminded him of a cage, a prison cell. On this rarest of occasions, he had decided to take the bus. This bland bus would deliver him to a rail station, where an equally bland train would deliver him to a station quite close to his destination; within walking distance, in fact.
He stepped onto the bus, offering a kind greeting to the bus driver. He knew how far a few kind words can go in troubling times, and driving a bus full of irate and impatient passengers is often troubling. The bus driver replied with a cheery hello, proving he was either a generally positive kind of person, or the day had yet to start wearing him down.
‘Please, sit here mister,’ a young man said, gesturing towards the seat. The young man latched onto a hanging handgrip, steadying himself as the bus slowly moved away from the stop.
‘Much appreciated,’ the man responded as he sat. He rested his hands on his cane which was now tucked securely between his knees.
‘This is Joey,’ the young man said, gesturing to his friend seated to the left. ‘And I’m Nick.’ He stretched out his right hand. ‘Nice to meet ya.’
‘My name is Julian,’ the man replied. ‘Pleased to meet you both, Nick, Joey.’ He shook each of their hands in turn. Julian then relaxed back into his seat, his spirits lifted somewhat by the unconditional kindness the two young men had extended to him.
‘Where are you headed to, this fine sunny day?’ Joey asked.
Julian sat silently for several moments, his expression blank, his gaze fixed straight ahead. ‘I’m going to visit an old friend of mine,’ he replied.
‘Oh, cool,’ Joey said. ‘We’re off to visit some friends in the city too. Gonna have a few drinks, catch up and that.’
Nodding, Julian looked over his shoulder, watching the traffic speed past. The bus hit a pothole, the jerking movement dislodging the cane, sending it clattering to the floor.
‘I got it,’ Nick said, retrieving the cane and handing it to Julian. ‘You don’t look at all old enough to have one of these.’
‘I’ve aged a lot quicker than an ordinary man,’ Julian said, once again staring out the window.
Nick and Joey shared a confused look. Julian could feel the awkward silence setting in, the air thickening.
‘Just a bit of early arthritis in my knee,’ he said, laughing for effect. ‘Nothing I can’t handle.’
At that moment, Nick’s phone started to beep from within his pocket. He fished it out and checked the caller ID.
‘Sorry, gotta take this one,’ he said.
‘Oh, don’t mind me,’ Julian said.
While Nick chatted, relaying information between Joey and the person on the other end of the line, Julian sat silently, fiddling with his wallet. He opened it and retrieved a folded slip of paper hidden behind his bank card.
He unfolded it and sighed. The paper was a photo of two smiling teenagers, one holding the other in a headlock. Julian smoothed it out, laying it flat on top of his wallet.
‘Your kids?’ Nick asked. He had handed the phone to Joey.
‘Nah, I don’t have any children,’ Julian said. ‘That’s me, and my friend Eric. He’s the one I’m visiting.’
‘School buddies as well then?’
‘Yeah, we were a couple of ratbags, Eric and me. Always causing trouble,’ Julian said. ‘But I could always count on him to help me out of a bind. Mind you, half of the trouble I got into was his fault anyway,’ Julian chuckled.
‘Awesome that you have a friend like that,’ Nick said, smiling. ‘You sound real close.’
‘Yeah, we were like brothers.’
‘Were? What do you mean?’
The brakes screeched as the bus pulled into the stop at the rail station.
‘Looks like we’re here,’ Julian said, laughing as the other passengers began scrambling for the doors. He glanced down at his watch. ‘We made good time too, arrived a minute earlier than planned!’
He stood and walked quickly to the front of the bus, offering the bus driver a thank you and stepping down onto the path. Nick and Joey stepped out behind him.
‘Well we’ve gotta meet some friends here,’ Joey said, ‘so I guess, see ya later!’
Julian shook their hands again, offering a fond farewell. They took off towards the far end of the station, leaving Julian free to purchase his train ticket. He approached the counter and asked the attendant for a ticket to Albion station.
Ticket in hand, Julian crossed the overpass to reach platform two. He sat down on a bench and waited patiently. He wasn’t in any particular hurry to reach his destination; in fact, he had been avoiding it for many years.
Julian wasn’t afraid of many things in life, but this was one of them. Despite the hardships he had already survived, Julian’s resolve was shaken every time he stopped to realise that this train journey was bringing him closer to his destination.
The train eased its way into the station, doors opening directly in front of Julian. He approached them, waiting for several passengers to disembark, before he stepped aboard himself. The carriage was nearly full and buzzing with activity. The sound of several MP3 players turned up too loud, conversations between friends on their way into the city and kids pestering their parents for chocolate and an end to the trip all competed, blending into a dull roar.
Julian took a seat between an elderly man, his gaze fixed firmly on the newspaper, and a teenage girl wearing a bright pink shirt, head bobbing to the pop tunes blaring through her earphones. Julian surveyed the carriage, looking at all the faces around him. He spotted two young schoolboys, only twelve or thirteen, peering into plastic shopping bags. They pulled out an assortment of food and divvied it up between them, placing it into their school bags.
The two boys reminded Julian of when he used to sneak out of the house and go to the nearby park as a boy. He would take a bag packed full of food and cans of soft drink he had pilfered from the kitchen and meet Eric there. They would picnic and play until the sun began to set, then run home and be scolded by their parents.
An announcement over the train loudspeaker startled Julian, returning him to the present. A wave of nostalgia crashed over him, drenching him in memory and longing. Julian reminded himself that those days were long gone and would never return. The train doors opened and the two schoolboys left the carriage, the doors sealing firmly shut behind them.
Julian leant forwards, staring at the ground. He lost himself in thought, unaware to the world around him. The train carried on, passengers boarding and exiting at each stop. The elderly man disappeared, his newspaper lying discarded on the seat. The girl in pink was replaced by a Chinese lady, and then a scruffy man, face covered with piercings.
‘Excuse me, is this seat taken?’
Julian looked up and met the gaze of a young woman. He motioned for the young lady, who looked to be in her early twenties, to sit. She pulled the stroller closer towards her once seated and smiled in at her baby girl.
Julian glanced over at the little girl wrapped up in blankets. ‘She’s adorable,’ he said. ‘What’s her name?’
‘Kaycee Lee.’
‘That’s a lovely name. I’m Julian, by the way,’ he said, shaking her hand.
‘Nice to meet you Julian, I’m Elle.’
Julian glanced down, noticing Elle didn’t have a wedding ring. ‘Are you a single mother?’
Elle sighed. ‘Yes, my boyfriend left as soon as he found out I was pregnant. Said he wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.’
‘Sorry to hear that.’
‘It’s okay, really,’ Elle said, smiling at him. ‘What about you, married, kids?’
‘Divorced. My wife left me suddenly. All she said was that she’d been cheating on me.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ Elle said. ‘It must have come as such a shock.’
Julian laughed. ‘Quite so. Came at a bad time, really bad time,’ he said. ‘I just returned from my deployment.’
‘You were a soldier? Where were you stationed?’
‘I fought in the war,’ he said. ‘The tail end, but that didn’t make it any less violent.’
‘Oh my!’ Elle said. ‘That was twenty five years ago, it finished just a few years before I was born.’
‘I married her shortly before I was deployed,’ Julian explained, ‘and divorced her shortly after I returned.’
‘I lost a few things thanks to that war,’ he said.
There was a brief moment of silence before Julian shrugged and held up his cane. ‘It wasn’t all take though,’ he said. ‘Got this nifty walking stick out of it.’
‘I’m glad you made it back safe,’ Elle said. ‘And again, sorry about your ex-wife.’
‘Like I said, it just came at a bad time.’ Julian glanced down at his watch; his stop was close.
‘It could’ve been worse. Saw a lot worse,’ he said. ‘But all that’s in the past now, no use dwelling right?’
‘Right,’ Elle concurred, offering a smile. She patted his hand comfortingly.
As predicted, the train began to slow. The loudspeaker announced Albion station, platform on the left, direction of travel.
‘This is my stop,’ Julian said.
‘Oh, well it was lovely talking to you, Julian.’
‘And you,’ he said. ‘Take care of yourself and little Kaycee.’
‘You take care as well!’
He smiled back and walked over to the doors. As they opened, Elle called out.
‘Thank you for everything. Everything you gave so that my baby could grow up in a better world,’ she said. ‘No matter what anyone else says or thinks, you’re a hero to me.’
He bowed his head and stepped through the doors. Julian hadn’t turned around to hear Elle’s words; he hadn’t wanted her to see the tears.
Julian found his journey becoming increasingly difficult. He was so close now, too close to turn back. The fear and guilt that had kept him away for almost a quarter of a century returned, as strong as it was that day…
He swallowed and shook his head. Julian knew he couldn’t turn back. He had to press on, no matter what. He started walking, keeping his on the ground in front of him. Julian knew the way; he just had to stop thinking about where he was headed and just walk.
When Julian stopped and looked up, he was greeted by the sight of the white sandstone gate to Albion Cemetery. Twenty five years ago, this same gate had defeated Julian. It had taken his resolve and crushed it to dust, scattering in the wind. For twenty five years Julian had let his guilt consume him.
This time was no different. Time had not healed his wounds, and once again Julian found himself unable to take the final few steps and breach this boundary. He turned, ready to depart, when the words of a young mother echoed in his mind.
‘No matter what anyone else says or thinks, you’re a hero to me.’
‘A hero,’ Julian mouthed. He gritted his teeth.
‘I’m not the hero,’ he said, turning and walking towards the gate, determination fuelling him, ‘but it’s about time I stopped being the coward too.’
The first step into the grounds of Albion Cemetery was the hardest. Julian felt almost drawn now, compelled by a will other than his own. As he walked, Julian surveyed the grounds for the first time. Albion Cemetery was extravagant, not for the light of wallet. Lavish and immaculate tombstones, crosses and sculptures, often with intricate details, dotted the landscape.
Despite the wealthy show of love, the cemetery was devoid of any life. No family members hovered above grave sites, paying their respects to their lost loved ones. Julian strode past the graves, offering a silent prayer in place of their absent relatives and friends.
As Julian moved amongst the simple plaques in the military section, he noticed a lady kneeling. She was completely focused on the plaque in front of her, and Julian paid her no mind as he wandered amongst the glorious dead, searching for a particular site. His search brought him to the same row as the woman and, as he neared her, Julian recognised her face.
‘Veronica.’
Julian turned. He had come this far, but he had not expected to see Veronica here. It changed things.
‘Julian? Julian, is that you?’ the woman asked, standing. ‘It is! Julian, look at me!’
Ignoring her request, he took a few steps in the opposite direction. ‘I can’t.’
Veronica walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. ‘You weren’t there, at his funeral,’ she said. ‘I haven’t seen you since you left.’
Julian remained silent. There were only two words worth saying at this point, and he hadn’t the courage to say them.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Veronica said. ‘And you need to stop it. Nobody is blaming you for what happened.’
‘But it’s my fault!’ Julian screamed, at last turning to face Veronica. ‘It’s my fault he’s not here, and nothing I can do or say can ever change that.’
‘Maybe it is your fault,’ she said. ‘Is that what you want to hear?’
Veronica shook her head. ‘Well that’s wrong. Eric was my husband, and if I don’t blame you, then you can’t blame yourself.’
‘But…’
‘But nothing, Julian!’ she said. ‘Your report, your account of what happened; they let me see it.’
‘I was wounded, my leg,’ Julian said, looking down at his injured leg. ‘Eric did his best to patch me up, but because of me, we were caught. Made prisoners.’
‘You know he would never have lived with himself if he left you there to die,’ she said.
‘But that wasn’t it! He starved himself, gave me his rations,’ Julian said. ‘I was too weak, so Eric gave his life so I could keep mine. It’s my fault dammit!’
‘Listen to what you said, Julian,’ Veronica said, her voice calm and steady. ‘You said Eric gave his life. That's what happened. It was his choice. He wanted you to live.’
‘That doesn’t change anything.’
‘It changes everything, Julian. I think twenty five years is long enough to keep a guilty conscience for something that wasn’t your fault.’
Veronica threw her arms around Julian, hugging him tightly. ‘Forgive yourself, for Eric’s sake. He wouldn’t want you to be consumed with guilt.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, now crying. As the tears fell, Julian felt pressure leaving him. ‘I’m sorry Eric is gone.’
‘I know you are, but it’s not your fault,’ Veronica said. ‘I’ve come to terms with his death, with everything. It’s time you did too.’
Julian sank to the ground and nodded. He knew Veronica was right. She had finally opened his eyes to the reality of the situation. He should feel grateful at Eric’s sacrifice, not guilty for his death.
‘Okay,’ he said, ‘I think I understand now. It’s just, just a whole lot to process.’
‘No need to rush, Julian,’ Veronica said. ‘Take your time.’
‘In the mean time,’ she said, extending her hand, ‘you and I can sit and talk over a cup of coffee. There’s twenty five years of catching up to do.’
Julian took her hand and stood to his feet. ‘Thank you,’ he said.
‘Come on, my car is this way,’ Veronica said. ‘You wait till you hear what my boys have been up to in this time!’
Julian paused, turning back to face Eric’s plaque. He took the photo from inside his wallet. The young, smiling faces of himself and Eric beamed up at him. Julian placed the photo next to the plaque, alongside Veronica’s bouquet of flowers.
‘Thank you, Eric,’ he said. ‘I won’t let guilt control me. I’ll live my life like you would’ve wanted.’
He turned and followed Veronica. The great white gate had been beaten, and Julian’s guilt was beginning to fade. The gravestone of Eric Rivera would not be a dreaded destination any more. Julian would return again and again to show his gratitude for his fallen brother.
He checked his watch again. The second hand ticked slowly, eventually returning to its starting point. The bus was now three minutes late. He sat back against the bench, watching a pair of young boys rock-off to see whose turn it was to ride the scooter to school. His eyes closed as his head bowed. He would have appeared asleep to those around him had they not been so frantic trying to reorganise their fast-paced lives due to this minor delay.The screeching of the bus’ brakes as it pulled up to the stop disturbed him from his trance-like state. He stood slowly, waiting for the other passengers to board the bus. It was a free service, designed to keep traffic to a minimum and provide a direct line to the major rail hub. A four minute delay would be a travesty to the business people. For him, it meant only four extra minutes to watch the young children playing in the park, cool green grass underfoot, parents’ loving gaze upon them.
He had chosen to return to his quaint life in his hometown because it was far from the hustle and bustle of city life. This town was peaceful, tranquil. He felt it calmed his soul. Usually, if he needed to go somewhere, he would walk. If it was outside of walking distance, which for him was very uncommon, he would call home and ask his mother or father to take him.
He didn’t like to drive, anywhere. Driving was too isolated, too confined. It reminded him of a cage, a prison cell. On this rarest of occasions, he had decided to take the bus. This bland bus would deliver him to a rail station, where an equally bland train would deliver him to a station quite close to his destination; within walking distance, in fact.
He stepped onto the bus, offering a kind greeting to the bus driver. He knew how far a few kind words can go in troubling times, and driving a bus full of irate and impatient passengers is often troubling. The bus driver replied with a cheery hello, proving he was either a generally positive kind of person, or the day had yet to start wearing him down.
‘Please, sit here mister,’ a young man said, gesturing towards the seat. The young man latched onto a hanging handgrip, steadying himself as the bus slowly moved away from the stop.
‘Much appreciated,’ the man responded as he sat. He rested his hands on his cane which was now tucked securely between his knees.
‘This is Joey,’ the young man said, gesturing to his friend seated to the left. ‘And I’m Nick.’ He stretched out his right hand. ‘Nice to meet ya.’
‘My name is Julian,’ the man replied. ‘Pleased to meet you both, Nick, Joey.’ He shook each of their hands in turn. Julian then relaxed back into his seat, his spirits lifted somewhat by the unconditional kindness the two young men had extended to him.
‘Where are you headed to, this fine sunny day?’ Joey asked.
Julian sat silently for several moments, his expression blank, his gaze fixed straight ahead. ‘I’m going to visit an old friend of mine,’ he replied.
‘Oh, cool,’ Joey said. ‘We’re off to visit some friends in the city too. Gonna have a few drinks, catch up and that.’
Nodding, Julian looked over his shoulder, watching the traffic speed past. The bus hit a pothole, the jerking movement dislodging the cane, sending it clattering to the floor.
‘I got it,’ Nick said, retrieving the cane and handing it to Julian. ‘You don’t look at all old enough to have one of these.’
‘I’ve aged a lot quicker than an ordinary man,’ Julian said, once again staring out the window.
Nick and Joey shared a confused look. Julian could feel the awkward silence setting in, the air thickening.
‘Just a bit of early arthritis in my knee,’ he said, laughing for effect. ‘Nothing I can’t handle.’
At that moment, Nick’s phone started to beep from within his pocket. He fished it out and checked the caller ID.
‘Sorry, gotta take this one,’ he said.
‘Oh, don’t mind me,’ Julian said.
While Nick chatted, relaying information between Joey and the person on the other end of the line, Julian sat silently, fiddling with his wallet. He opened it and retrieved a folded slip of paper hidden behind his bank card.
He unfolded it and sighed. The paper was a photo of two smiling teenagers, one holding the other in a headlock. Julian smoothed it out, laying it flat on top of his wallet.
‘Your kids?’ Nick asked. He had handed the phone to Joey.
‘Nah, I don’t have any children,’ Julian said. ‘That’s me, and my friend Eric. He’s the one I’m visiting.’
‘School buddies as well then?’
‘Yeah, we were a couple of ratbags, Eric and me. Always causing trouble,’ Julian said. ‘But I could always count on him to help me out of a bind. Mind you, half of the trouble I got into was his fault anyway,’ Julian chuckled.
‘Awesome that you have a friend like that,’ Nick said, smiling. ‘You sound real close.’
‘Yeah, we were like brothers.’
‘Were? What do you mean?’
The brakes screeched as the bus pulled into the stop at the rail station.
‘Looks like we’re here,’ Julian said, laughing as the other passengers began scrambling for the doors. He glanced down at his watch. ‘We made good time too, arrived a minute earlier than planned!’
He stood and walked quickly to the front of the bus, offering the bus driver a thank you and stepping down onto the path. Nick and Joey stepped out behind him.
‘Well we’ve gotta meet some friends here,’ Joey said, ‘so I guess, see ya later!’
Julian shook their hands again, offering a fond farewell. They took off towards the far end of the station, leaving Julian free to purchase his train ticket. He approached the counter and asked the attendant for a ticket to Albion station.
Ticket in hand, Julian crossed the overpass to reach platform two. He sat down on a bench and waited patiently. He wasn’t in any particular hurry to reach his destination; in fact, he had been avoiding it for many years.
Julian wasn’t afraid of many things in life, but this was one of them. Despite the hardships he had already survived, Julian’s resolve was shaken every time he stopped to realise that this train journey was bringing him closer to his destination.
The train eased its way into the station, doors opening directly in front of Julian. He approached them, waiting for several passengers to disembark, before he stepped aboard himself. The carriage was nearly full and buzzing with activity. The sound of several MP3 players turned up too loud, conversations between friends on their way into the city and kids pestering their parents for chocolate and an end to the trip all competed, blending into a dull roar.
Julian took a seat between an elderly man, his gaze fixed firmly on the newspaper, and a teenage girl wearing a bright pink shirt, head bobbing to the pop tunes blaring through her earphones. Julian surveyed the carriage, looking at all the faces around him. He spotted two young schoolboys, only twelve or thirteen, peering into plastic shopping bags. They pulled out an assortment of food and divvied it up between them, placing it into their school bags.
The two boys reminded Julian of when he used to sneak out of the house and go to the nearby park as a boy. He would take a bag packed full of food and cans of soft drink he had pilfered from the kitchen and meet Eric there. They would picnic and play until the sun began to set, then run home and be scolded by their parents.
An announcement over the train loudspeaker startled Julian, returning him to the present. A wave of nostalgia crashed over him, drenching him in memory and longing. Julian reminded himself that those days were long gone and would never return. The train doors opened and the two schoolboys left the carriage, the doors sealing firmly shut behind them.
Julian leant forwards, staring at the ground. He lost himself in thought, unaware to the world around him. The train carried on, passengers boarding and exiting at each stop. The elderly man disappeared, his newspaper lying discarded on the seat. The girl in pink was replaced by a Chinese lady, and then a scruffy man, face covered with piercings.
‘Excuse me, is this seat taken?’
Julian looked up and met the gaze of a young woman. He motioned for the young lady, who looked to be in her early twenties, to sit. She pulled the stroller closer towards her once seated and smiled in at her baby girl.
Julian glanced over at the little girl wrapped up in blankets. ‘She’s adorable,’ he said. ‘What’s her name?’
‘Kaycee Lee.’
‘That’s a lovely name. I’m Julian, by the way,’ he said, shaking her hand.
‘Nice to meet you Julian, I’m Elle.’
Julian glanced down, noticing Elle didn’t have a wedding ring. ‘Are you a single mother?’
Elle sighed. ‘Yes, my boyfriend left as soon as he found out I was pregnant. Said he wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.’
‘Sorry to hear that.’
‘It’s okay, really,’ Elle said, smiling at him. ‘What about you, married, kids?’
‘Divorced. My wife left me suddenly. All she said was that she’d been cheating on me.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ Elle said. ‘It must have come as such a shock.’
Julian laughed. ‘Quite so. Came at a bad time, really bad time,’ he said. ‘I just returned from my deployment.’
‘You were a soldier? Where were you stationed?’
‘I fought in the war,’ he said. ‘The tail end, but that didn’t make it any less violent.’
‘Oh my!’ Elle said. ‘That was twenty five years ago, it finished just a few years before I was born.’
‘I married her shortly before I was deployed,’ Julian explained, ‘and divorced her shortly after I returned.’
‘I lost a few things thanks to that war,’ he said.
There was a brief moment of silence before Julian shrugged and held up his cane. ‘It wasn’t all take though,’ he said. ‘Got this nifty walking stick out of it.’
‘I’m glad you made it back safe,’ Elle said. ‘And again, sorry about your ex-wife.’
‘Like I said, it just came at a bad time.’ Julian glanced down at his watch; his stop was close.
‘It could’ve been worse. Saw a lot worse,’ he said. ‘But all that’s in the past now, no use dwelling right?’
‘Right,’ Elle concurred, offering a smile. She patted his hand comfortingly.
As predicted, the train began to slow. The loudspeaker announced Albion station, platform on the left, direction of travel.
‘This is my stop,’ Julian said.
‘Oh, well it was lovely talking to you, Julian.’
‘And you,’ he said. ‘Take care of yourself and little Kaycee.’
‘You take care as well!’
He smiled back and walked over to the doors. As they opened, Elle called out.
‘Thank you for everything. Everything you gave so that my baby could grow up in a better world,’ she said. ‘No matter what anyone else says or thinks, you’re a hero to me.’
He bowed his head and stepped through the doors. Julian hadn’t turned around to hear Elle’s words; he hadn’t wanted her to see the tears.
Julian found his journey becoming increasingly difficult. He was so close now, too close to turn back. The fear and guilt that had kept him away for almost a quarter of a century returned, as strong as it was that day…
He swallowed and shook his head. Julian knew he couldn’t turn back. He had to press on, no matter what. He started walking, keeping his on the ground in front of him. Julian knew the way; he just had to stop thinking about where he was headed and just walk.
When Julian stopped and looked up, he was greeted by the sight of the white sandstone gate to Albion Cemetery. Twenty five years ago, this same gate had defeated Julian. It had taken his resolve and crushed it to dust, scattering in the wind. For twenty five years Julian had let his guilt consume him.
This time was no different. Time had not healed his wounds, and once again Julian found himself unable to take the final few steps and breach this boundary. He turned, ready to depart, when the words of a young mother echoed in his mind.
‘No matter what anyone else says or thinks, you’re a hero to me.’
‘A hero,’ Julian mouthed. He gritted his teeth.
‘I’m not the hero,’ he said, turning and walking towards the gate, determination fuelling him, ‘but it’s about time I stopped being the coward too.’
The first step into the grounds of Albion Cemetery was the hardest. Julian felt almost drawn now, compelled by a will other than his own. As he walked, Julian surveyed the grounds for the first time. Albion Cemetery was extravagant, not for the light of wallet. Lavish and immaculate tombstones, crosses and sculptures, often with intricate details, dotted the landscape.
Despite the wealthy show of love, the cemetery was devoid of any life. No family members hovered above grave sites, paying their respects to their lost loved ones. Julian strode past the graves, offering a silent prayer in place of their absent relatives and friends.
As Julian moved amongst the simple plaques in the military section, he noticed a lady kneeling. She was completely focused on the plaque in front of her, and Julian paid her no mind as he wandered amongst the glorious dead, searching for a particular site. His search brought him to the same row as the woman and, as he neared her, Julian recognised her face.
‘Veronica.’
Julian turned. He had come this far, but he had not expected to see Veronica here. It changed things.
‘Julian? Julian, is that you?’ the woman asked, standing. ‘It is! Julian, look at me!’
Ignoring her request, he took a few steps in the opposite direction. ‘I can’t.’
Veronica walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. ‘You weren’t there, at his funeral,’ she said. ‘I haven’t seen you since you left.’
Julian remained silent. There were only two words worth saying at this point, and he hadn’t the courage to say them.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Veronica said. ‘And you need to stop it. Nobody is blaming you for what happened.’
‘But it’s my fault!’ Julian screamed, at last turning to face Veronica. ‘It’s my fault he’s not here, and nothing I can do or say can ever change that.’
‘Maybe it is your fault,’ she said. ‘Is that what you want to hear?’
Veronica shook her head. ‘Well that’s wrong. Eric was my husband, and if I don’t blame you, then you can’t blame yourself.’
‘But…’
‘But nothing, Julian!’ she said. ‘Your report, your account of what happened; they let me see it.’
‘I was wounded, my leg,’ Julian said, looking down at his injured leg. ‘Eric did his best to patch me up, but because of me, we were caught. Made prisoners.’
‘You know he would never have lived with himself if he left you there to die,’ she said.
‘But that wasn’t it! He starved himself, gave me his rations,’ Julian said. ‘I was too weak, so Eric gave his life so I could keep mine. It’s my fault dammit!’
‘Listen to what you said, Julian,’ Veronica said, her voice calm and steady. ‘You said Eric gave his life. That's what happened. It was his choice. He wanted you to live.’
‘That doesn’t change anything.’
‘It changes everything, Julian. I think twenty five years is long enough to keep a guilty conscience for something that wasn’t your fault.’
Veronica threw her arms around Julian, hugging him tightly. ‘Forgive yourself, for Eric’s sake. He wouldn’t want you to be consumed with guilt.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, now crying. As the tears fell, Julian felt pressure leaving him. ‘I’m sorry Eric is gone.’
‘I know you are, but it’s not your fault,’ Veronica said. ‘I’ve come to terms with his death, with everything. It’s time you did too.’
Julian sank to the ground and nodded. He knew Veronica was right. She had finally opened his eyes to the reality of the situation. He should feel grateful at Eric’s sacrifice, not guilty for his death.
‘Okay,’ he said, ‘I think I understand now. It’s just, just a whole lot to process.’
‘No need to rush, Julian,’ Veronica said. ‘Take your time.’
‘In the mean time,’ she said, extending her hand, ‘you and I can sit and talk over a cup of coffee. There’s twenty five years of catching up to do.’
Julian took her hand and stood to his feet. ‘Thank you,’ he said.
‘Come on, my car is this way,’ Veronica said. ‘You wait till you hear what my boys have been up to in this time!’
Julian paused, turning back to face Eric’s plaque. He took the photo from inside his wallet. The young, smiling faces of himself and Eric beamed up at him. Julian placed the photo next to the plaque, alongside Veronica’s bouquet of flowers.
‘Thank you, Eric,’ he said. ‘I won’t let guilt control me. I’ll live my life like you would’ve wanted.’
He turned and followed Veronica. The great white gate had been beaten, and Julian’s guilt was beginning to fade. The gravestone of Eric Rivera would not be a dreaded destination any more. Julian would return again and again to show his gratitude for his fallen brother.
